I watched the film Terms of Endearment last night (I know, there isn't enough sadness in my real life). In one scene, the Debra Winger character is trying to talk her husband out of raising their three kids after she dies from cancer. She says to him on raising kids, "As hard as you think it is going to be, you end up wishing it was that easy." That pretty much sums up nicely where I stand on raising children these days. I knew there would be challenges, especially during their teenage years, but honestly nobody told me it would be this hard. You expect your children to make mistakes; you don't expect your children to end up addicted to drugs. And, when it happens, you find yourself in such despair and confusion, that you end up in situations that you never would have expected to find yourself, days so hard, you contemplate getting in the car and just driving away, leaving it all behind.
Around the time we first began to realize that Justin was using drugs on a regular basis, we had a monumental fight. I wish I could say it was the worst day of my life, but unfortunately, there have been others since. I had caught him (for the third time that week) smoking weed out of his bedroom window. When I confronted him, he said something along the lines of "I'll do what I want, when I want." The anger I felt in that moment was frightening, and I lost control. It is a terrifying feeling when you realize that you can not control your actions; I now completely understand temporary insanity. That night, was the closest I have come to being violent toward my son, fortunately, I took my anger out on an inanimate object. I picked up his television and threw it to his floor, where it smashed violently on the hardwood. I was crying and yelling "why are you doing this to us," over and over again. I can't even really remember my son's reaction, I was so caught up in my own emotions. My husband, hearing the crash, came running down. Realizing his wife was, well losing her shit, he wisely led me away from the situation and into our bedroom. I lay on the bed, sobbing, listening to the music on the clock radio which was quietly playing. It took me a moment to realize what song was playing; It could not have been more appropriate: Nobody Told Me There'd Be Days Like These. Strange Days Indeed, Mr. Lennon, strange, strange days.
Justin finally got the date for his assessment: August 10th. On this day, following a three hour assessment, it will be decided whether he should receive in or out-patient therapy. Justin has shown some more remorse for the stolen jewelry; however, I question whether he is just saying what he knows we want to hear. He has promised to pay them back in full, but I'll believe it when I see it. Actions speak louder than words - this old saying is so truthful, especially when you are dealing with an addict.