Life continues to be a cycle of arguments and tears. I am a teacher, so being off for the summer gives me a lot of time and energy to focus on the addict in my house. I'm dreading the fall, as I'm not sure how I am going to balance his problems, which are mounting by the day, with my workload. I'm starting a new position at a new school, and this position requires me to begin working on my Master's degree. I know I am taking on more than I can handle, but teaching jobs in this province are slim. If I turned down this job offer, there would not be any other options, other than substituting. It's interesting how life has to still go on, even as it is falling apart around you. I am watching my son destroy his life with drugs, and yet lunch needs to be made, laundry needs to get done, and bills need to be paid.
Driving in the car the other day, Fleetwood Mac's 'Landslide' came on the radio. I have heard the song so many times, and yet it was like I was hearing it for the first time. Before all of this, life was good, easy even - I was one of the lucky ones who sailed through life without any catastrophes. Now, I know what it feels like when a landslide hits. It feels as though everything I have spent my life building is falling down around me. I am desperately trying to hold things up and fix things and put things right again, but the landslide is too powerful and out of control. The landslide that is my son's addiction has brought me down, and I have lost myself. I don't even recognize my own reflection in the mirror.
"Can the child within my heart rise above."
I don't think so. My innocence is destroyed, and most days I feel like I am a hundred years old.
"Well, Ive been afraid of changing, cause I've built my life around you."
I have built my life around my children and they are getting older, making their own choices in life. It's difficult to let your children go in the best of circumstances. To detach from your child, when they can not take care of themselves, is almost impossible. But, it is what I must do. It can be a very dangerous thing when you love your children more than you love yourself. It's a mistake to build your entire life around somebody else, because people let you down. My son has let me down. I have to begin building my own life. It's so much easier said than done.
"Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides. Can I handle the seasons of my life."
I don't know. I really don't know.
Update:
August 10th cannot come quickly enough. Right now, he is saying he will go to the appointment willingly, and accept the treatment they believe he needs. I know that his moods can change quickly, though. Good days can be followed by days that are soul crushingly awful.
I've found an Al-anon meeting close to me - I think I am going to go. I think I need to go.
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Boy do I know where you are coming from. I too was hit by a landslide. It was like I was floating through life with my perfect little family and then alcohol entered the picture. My perfect little family did a complete 180 to the point that I didn't recognize myself either. I am glad to hear that you are considering Al-anon. I really believe it will help you.
ReplyDeleteAlAnon will help, if for no other reason than you can tell the most horrific story and no one will bat an eye, Hannah. Someone in the room will have lived or is living your life also.
ReplyDeleteI didn't want to say it earlier, but when they start stealing from family they are in a place that is not magically going away. You can most likely look at many more years of this roller coaster.Do you want to feel like this for many more years?
Reach out to someone in AlAnon, I think you may be amazed.
Please Hannah, do not 'consider' Alanon. Instead, RUN, RUN, RUN to that Alanon meeting. Meet the people there, find someone--anyone--who seems halfway sane, ask them if they would show you the ropes, be a sponsor to you, even "temporary" (I hate temporary!)...ANYTHING. But Get Yourself There. God will then show you what to do next--if you ask Him. And be willing to follow suggested things, like: "You want to have a cup of coffee afterward, dear?" (With a woman, of course.)
ReplyDeleteBless you.
I pray for you, Hannah.
Peace.
I know where u are coming from and how much any addiction changes any relation between partners / kids. Know this obssessive thinking far too well. Wish that you attend as mayn meetings per week as possible. Keep you in my thoughts
ReplyDeleteHear hear! Run to Al Anon! I once was lost but, now I'm found. I found God and acceptance at Al Anon.
ReplyDeleteMy children were my whole life. Then the landslide of my 18 yr. olds arrest, dui...then another...and another. I was dead inside. It was as if HE had died...only he was still here, sort of.
Things are NOT peaceful here....I occasionally have terrible vision of him in a casket. But, me being a mess is no way for ANY of us to live.
So, do one thing at a time...do the laundry, dishes, take a walk..after that, IF you want...take that run to Al Anon. You won't be sorry. If you are, you can come over to my blog and yell at me, it's ok.
Hannah,
ReplyDeleteIt may sound corny and contrite but have you ever been on an airplane and listened to the emergency announcements?
In case of an emergency an oxygen mask will drop down. Place the mask over your own face and breath normally before placing the mask on another person.
Translation.......save yourself before before saving someone else.
Good advice for this situation too.
Write, write and write some more. I have found it helps more than anything I have tried. You have love, understanding and support here.
I'm also on the Al-Anon bandwagon yelling, RUN, RUN, RUN!
ReplyDeleteYou may fall in love with it immediately. If not, go to at least 6-9 meetings before deciding whether to continue going or not.
This will be the best thing you have ever done for yourself. That's a promise.
PG
Landslide is a perfect description of what happens to us. Along with earthquake, hurricane, tornado, etc... They all sum up our lives when we find out we have addiction in the family. But, a calm does appear- eventually. For me it came with Al-anon/Nar-anon. I, too, encourage you to go. It will help restore your sanity. We're here for you Hannah.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your words. I need them more tonight than ever before. I am going to attend a meeting. At this point, I have nothing left to lose...
ReplyDeleteHannah, I understand what you are saying about the landslide. It seems I've been in an avalanche a few times even. I am grateful to have found Al-Anon where I heard other stories just like mine. I could identify with their experience and began to see the solution. I am grateful for the progress that I make every day. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteSo happy you have found a meeting, please please go.
ReplyDeleteIt will help...although there is no magic answer to all your troubles on your first meeting...they will come to you.x
You have all convinced me - I am going. Thank you all.
ReplyDelete