Life continues to be a cycle of arguments and tears. I am a teacher, so being off for the summer gives me a lot of time and energy to focus on the addict in my house. I'm dreading the fall, as I'm not sure how I am going to balance his problems, which are mounting by the day, with my workload. I'm starting a new position at a new school, and this position requires me to begin working on my Master's degree. I know I am taking on more than I can handle, but teaching jobs in this province are slim. If I turned down this job offer, there would not be any other options, other than substituting. It's interesting how life has to still go on, even as it is falling apart around you. I am watching my son destroy his life with drugs, and yet lunch needs to be made, laundry needs to get done, and bills need to be paid.
Driving in the car the other day, Fleetwood Mac's 'Landslide' came on the radio. I have heard the song so many times, and yet it was like I was hearing it for the first time. Before all of this, life was good, easy even - I was one of the lucky ones who sailed through life without any catastrophes. Now, I know what it feels like when a landslide hits. It feels as though everything I have spent my life building is falling down around me. I am desperately trying to hold things up and fix things and put things right again, but the landslide is too powerful and out of control. The landslide that is my son's addiction has brought me down, and I have lost myself. I don't even recognize my own reflection in the mirror.
"Can the child within my heart rise above."
I don't think so. My innocence is destroyed, and most days I feel like I am a hundred years old.
"Well, Ive been afraid of changing, cause I've built my life around you."
I have built my life around my children and they are getting older, making their own choices in life. It's difficult to let your children go in the best of circumstances. To detach from your child, when they can not take care of themselves, is almost impossible. But, it is what I must do. It can be a very dangerous thing when you love your children more than you love yourself. It's a mistake to build your entire life around somebody else, because people let you down. My son has let me down. I have to begin building my own life. It's so much easier said than done.
"Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides. Can I handle the seasons of my life."
I don't know. I really don't know.
August 10th cannot come quickly enough. Right now, he is saying he will go to the appointment willingly, and accept the treatment they believe he needs. I know that his moods can change quickly, though. Good days can be followed by days that are soul crushingly awful.
I've found an Al-anon meeting close to me - I think I am going to go. I think I need to go.