Friday, January 15, 2010

Little children, headache; big children, heartache. ~Italian Proverb

I guess I'm not so good at this blogging thing. Four months is an awful long silence. I am not sure why I have been silent for so long - perhaps I was waiting to be able to share some good news, but it looks like I would be waiting forever. So, this is what the last few months have looked like for my son:

- drug use has continued
- counseling (family and individual has thus far not helped)
- the trying to not be enablers has not helped (no car, no cell phone, no money etc.) Justin always finds ways to get the drugs that he needs, with or without our help
- we have learned more about the extent of our son's addiction. someone once commented earlier that it sounded like my son was using more than weed and they were so right. he has been abusing prescription pills as well. lately, his pill of choice is called dexedrine
- Justin will be eighteen in exactly one month and I am terrifed that we will lose him completely
- my marriage? done. the one thing I had left has finally collapsed under the pressure of having a drug addicted child. we are still living together, but have agreed that there is nothing left to salvage of our relationship at this point. my husband has given up on my son. I have not. Perhaps, I am a fool and will end up losing both my husband and son at the end - if this ever ends
- the lying, stealing, manipulating and every other consequence of drug abuse have continued with my son
- my son is but a shadow of his former self. no ambition. no goals. the drugs that promised him so much happiness have taken everything away

All of the things I stated earlier about healing myself first? That hasn't worked out so well. I am so emotionally invested in my son that I just can't seem to get my own life on track until I get his back first.

I am overwhelmed and so sad. I feel like the battle has been lost.

Final score: Mom: Zero Drugs: One million. I surrender.