For the last few months, I have been using denial as a coping mechanism. I tell myself lies, so that I can sleep at night. I tell myself that my son is just finding his way, and that his problems are not as serious as I think. I tell myself that all teens go through this phase, and that very few end up with problems as adults. I tell myself that everything will work out okay. I tell myself that I need to give my son some space, so that he can work things out on his own. I tell myself these things so that I do not have to face the issue, and so that there will be some peace in my home. Deep down, my eyes were always open to the truth. It was just a truth that I was not ready to admit.
Denial can work, but only for a short time. When you are dealing with an addict, the ugliness will find you, no matter how deep into denial you are. I can't deny that my once athletic son is starting to look skeletal. I can't deny that he is pale with dark circles under his eyes. I can't deny that he appears to have lost his lust for life, and that he thinks everything is pointless. I can't deny that most days he leaves the house without even showering. I can't deny that he is angry and that he is in pain. I can't deny that he is also using denial to deal with his problems: Everything's cool mom, just leave me the fuck alone. Everybody does it. Weed is just an herb, it's harmless. Weed did not cause me to lose interest in sports, I just don't like them anymore. Weed is not causing me to be depressed, it's helping. Drugs are not ruining our relationship, you are mom, now get the fuck out of my room and out of my life.
Searching through his possessions today, I found something that is forcing me out of denial. I found evidence that my son is not only using drugs, he is dealing too. Just when I think things can't possibly get any worse, they do.