Friday, January 15, 2010

Little children, headache; big children, heartache. ~Italian Proverb

I guess I'm not so good at this blogging thing. Four months is an awful long silence. I am not sure why I have been silent for so long - perhaps I was waiting to be able to share some good news, but it looks like I would be waiting forever. So, this is what the last few months have looked like for my son:

- drug use has continued
- counseling (family and individual has thus far not helped)
- the trying to not be enablers has not helped (no car, no cell phone, no money etc.) Justin always finds ways to get the drugs that he needs, with or without our help
- we have learned more about the extent of our son's addiction. someone once commented earlier that it sounded like my son was using more than weed and they were so right. he has been abusing prescription pills as well. lately, his pill of choice is called dexedrine
- Justin will be eighteen in exactly one month and I am terrifed that we will lose him completely
- my marriage? done. the one thing I had left has finally collapsed under the pressure of having a drug addicted child. we are still living together, but have agreed that there is nothing left to salvage of our relationship at this point. my husband has given up on my son. I have not. Perhaps, I am a fool and will end up losing both my husband and son at the end - if this ever ends
- the lying, stealing, manipulating and every other consequence of drug abuse have continued with my son
- my son is but a shadow of his former self. no ambition. no goals. the drugs that promised him so much happiness have taken everything away

All of the things I stated earlier about healing myself first? That hasn't worked out so well. I am so emotionally invested in my son that I just can't seem to get my own life on track until I get his back first.

I am overwhelmed and so sad. I feel like the battle has been lost.

Final score: Mom: Zero Drugs: One million. I surrender.


  1. You really are going through so much right now. I know you started a new job recently and when you add that with the marriage issues and the addicted son, it is no wonder you feel like throwing up the white flag! I think surrendering may be just the thing you need to do right now. Step back and just live in the moment as much as you can. Take small steps to soothe your pain and sadness, little things that you normally would maybe enjoy, try to do one a day. Sometimes I imagine comforting someone else going through my situation, what would I do to make them feel more at ease, what would I say. Then, I try and do that for myself. Sounds stupid I know and seems really unimportant with all that is going on around you. But we only have control over our reactions to situations and how we think and feel about things. Nothing I have said or tried to do has helped much with my son's addiction and it is because it is his life and he has to be ready, he has to make it better, not me. I have to make my own life better, just like we want our sons to do. I just want to reach out and hug you and know I am thinking and praying for you (sorry for rambling)...Renee

  2. I agree with what Renee said. I also want to add something. You have got to try to take care of yourself. Really make it a priority. You sons needs are going to suck you dry and then some, it's the nature of addiction. My daughter was very unstable with bipolar disorder for a while. I quit taking care of myself to attend to her; it nearly cost me my health and I was no good to her. I took steps to care for myself and was better able to help her. It's a really vicious circle. The only thing to do now is to put your head down and keep going. You will get through it. Please keep writing, let us know how you are. there are people out there that care. Carolyn

  3. My son's addiction was a contributing factor to my marriage falling apart...The years between his 18th and 21st birthday were a disaster. I had to throw him out of the house multiple times, I flushed more drugs down the toilet than a DEA agent, and once I had to get a restraining order against him, as he was getting violent. He got clean almost 12 years ago and each day that he's clean and sober is a blessing.
    Have you tried going to Al-Anon meetings? Step 1: Just as the addict says 'I accept that I have no control over my addiction,' the relative of an addict must realize that they have NO CONTOL OVER THEIR ADDICT.
    I wish you the best. Until the addict decides to take responsibility for his addiction you can show him the way, but you can't make him travel that road.

  4. I have found the Al-Anon program to be a saving grace in my life. I have watched it be the same for many others. Maybe you are already an Al-Anon member. If not, you might want to consider it. Try 6 meetings then decide whether you think it is for you or not.

    Life with an addict can be so impossible. Sounds like you are near total surrender when you write, "Final score: Mom: Zero Drugs: One million. I surrender."

    God bless you, your son, your other child, and your husband.


  5. I just lost my 20 year old son to a heroin overdose two weeks ago. My marriage also disintegrated with the years of dealing with it. My Ex-husband did not maintain a relationship with my son, I stayed very close with my son. Its a long, painful story. But please, do not give up on your son or yourself. Get to an Al-anon meeting. Feel free to stop by my blog to read my story. Hugs and prayers to you. ~kel

  6. I'm so sorry for all the pain you are experiencing. I must echo everyone else and recommend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings for yourself, please give it a try- it's the best thing you can do for yourself. You are in my prayers.

  7. Hannah, I have learned that all that I did never beat the disease of another. It is a losing proposition. Take care of yourself. Go to Al-Anon meetings and learn how to live. Losing yourself in your son and letting him be your Higher Power is not going to work. It will just mean that you lose yourself totally.

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  9. Please don’t give up and please try to take care of yourself. I know so many families who struggle everyday from dealing with addiction. I’ve found Silver Hill Hospital’s adolescent substance abuse treatment program to be very informative. They have a number of treatment programs that encourage family involvement in the recovery process. They also have skilled clinicians and physicians trained in administering medication and counseling. I hope things get better for you and your family soon.

  10. Wait, please don't surrender yet. You don't know me but I came across your blog and it spoke so powerfully to my heart. You'll think I'm crazy but I cried and as soon as I finished I went and wrote a song for you. Please go read my letter and listen to the song. I didn't know how else to get a hold of you so I left it on my blog. The entry for you is at the following URL.
    Thank you for sharing your story. It's taught me so much. Love and thank, -=Samantha=-

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