Tuesday, August 11, 2009

"You can't have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time.”

My sister gave birth to a baby boy last week. Holding the perfect little bundle, with his resemblance to my own son, was definitely a bittersweet experience. Memories rushed back to me, taking me back to such a happy time in our lives. Remembering what it was like when he was so innocent, and when I held such hope for his future. Seventeen years ago, holding my own newborn son in my arms, I would never had expected to be experiencing what I am today. I know that I can't torment myself with memories of the past, but instead, must accept our circumstances and continue to try to get my son back. I need to believe that the future will be better.

I am disappointed in myself; Last week, I was going to attend an al-anon meeting, and I did not go. Following Justin's incident with the cops, I had noticed some improvements in his behaviour. I was hopeful that perhaps we were at a turning point, and that he was beginning to see the problems his drug use were causing in his life. There has been a part of me that has been hoping that Justin's drug use is not as bad as I think it is, that maybe it really is just some teen experiementation that he will grow out of, and that he is not really an addict, just a teen gone wild. I was in one of my hopeful moods on the night of the meeting, and foolishly decided that I would feel out of place among the people who are involved with real addicts. And then, the truth hits me hard, like it did a few days after I thought he was improving. He wasn't improving, he was just getting better at hiding his use.

Justin attended his assessment with a counselor yesterday. I'm so relieved that he agreed to go. We have another meeting on Tuesday where we will all be present to discuss where we need to go from here.

I just keep taking it one day at a time, trying not to focus on the past, and instead continuing my search for our better tomorrow.


  1. Dear Hannah, I'm going to whisper this, because it kinda hurts..

    addiction does not go away by magic
    addiction does not go away by wishing
    addiction does not go away by hoping

    addiction does not go away until the addict wants to change

    God Bless ya, keep on putting one foot in front of the other

  2. I was never a 'drunk' - but I used to drink. When I drank, I would not stop until I was drunk. That, in itself, is a form of alcoholism.

    I was a 'fun' drunk. But that didn't really make me feel any better the next day - the hangovers were bad and I realized, typically, that I had said or done something I really wished I hadn't.

    These days I hardly drink at all - and when I do drink, it's limited - very limited. I have found I love being sober - I don't want to miss anything - I have too much to do that I can't do when drinking. I write, I take pictures, I paint, I blog ceaselessly.

    It's just more fun to be sober than not. And that's where he needs to get to. He has to find it more interesting to be sober and drug free than not.

  3. Alanon isn't for your son Hannah...it's for you. Whether it's a good day or a bad day for him, you will find God in those rooms. I promise. Praying for you and your family. TK

  4. That's my kinda thinking. If something makes me feel good (going to meetings?), and so now that I feel good, I stop doing that something....hmmmm. I 'knew' the logic of that once, but can't seem to dredge it up now. Again, Hmmmmmm.

  5. I hope you go to Al-anon. As Karen said, it's for you, not your son. You deserve it and it will provide you with tools that will help you live life as it presents itself.


  6. The first step is admitting that you have no control over your addict. Are you at this point yet, when you can really believe that this is true?
    Congrats to your sister.

  7. I am glad that he has agreed to get help.
    Remember that you need to look after yourself to and please keep going to the meetings.
    These meetings are for you and your sanity and serenity whatever happens.

  8. Great advice above. Hang in there!

  9. It will not change until things change. You must look after you! HOPE is beautiful but reality will keep it afloat. I love to wear my rose colored glasses
    GREAT blog!

  10. Hi Hannah-

    Just stopped by to say hi and tell you we miss you. Hope all is good with you and your family and you're just really busy these days. I'm looking forward to hearing from you soon.


  11. Hi! Just checking in.... Hope things are going well, hope you are well, and hope you can post again soon! Miss you! ((Hug!))