Eyes Wide Shut

For the last few months, I have been using denial as a coping mechanism. I tell myself lies, so that I can sleep at night. I tell myself that my son is just finding his way, and that his problems are not as serious as I think. I tell myself that all teens go through this phase, and that very few end up with problems as adults. I tell myself that everything will work out okay. I tell myself that I need to give my son some space, so that he can work things out on his own. I tell myself these things so that I do not have to face the issue, and so that there will be some peace in my home. Deep down, my eyes were always open to the truth. It was just a truth that I was not ready to admit.

Denial can work, but only for a short time. When you are dealing with an addict, the ugliness will find you, no matter how deep into denial you are. I can't deny that my once athletic son is starting to look skeletal. I can't deny that he is pale with dark circles under his eyes. I can't deny that he appears to have lost his lust for life, and that he thinks everything is pointless. I can't deny that most days he leaves the house without even showering. I can't deny that he is angry and that he is in pain. I can't deny that he is also using denial to deal with his problems: Everything's cool mom, just leave me the fuck alone. Everybody does it. Weed is just an herb, it's harmless. Weed did not cause me to lose interest in sports, I just don't like them anymore. Weed is not causing me to be depressed, it's helping. Drugs are not ruining our relationship, you are mom, now get the fuck out of my room and out of my life.

Searching through his possessions today, I found something that is forcing me out of denial. I found evidence that my son is not only using drugs, he is dealing too. Just when I think things can't possibly get any worse, they do.

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Addicts

Many times over the past few years, I have struggled with the question of what could we have done differently as parents to prevent the problems we are having now. I clearly remember having a conversation with my husband, probably when my son was about ten, regarding drugs. We truly believed that we had nothing to worry about, because we thought we were doing everything right as parents. I have always strongly believed the old cliches that children learn by example and therefore as parents we need to practice what we preach. Neither my husband nor I smoke, use drugs, or drink (other than the occasional glass of wine/beer). We also believed that another safeguard against drug use among teens is to keep your child busy. To that effect, we had our son involved in every sport imaginable. For many years he played on basketball and soccer teams. He snowboarded in the winters and took sailing lessons in the summer. He was an amazing mountain biker, and this was a sport that he enjoyed with my husband. We had the drug talk - many times. We were loving, present, and involved with our son, and yet here we are.

Perhaps, one thing I would change was how I reacted when I first realized my son was using drugs. It happened one month before his fourteenth birthday. I was picking up his jeans off the bathroom floor, and out fell a small bag of weed. I was shocked, but not panicked. I have never been naive about drug use and teens. I experimented and so did my husband. I was mainly worried that he was starting so young (I smoked my first joint at a party at about sixteen). But, overall I figured this was some teen experimentation that would not turn into anything serious. My husband and I confronted our son, and he admitted it was his. We had the drug talk (again) and grounded him for two weeks. I thought that was the end of it. We quickly realized that it was just the beginning, and I really can not get into everything that has happened over four years in one post, but it has been a nightmare. Over time, our son was no longer our son. He has lost all ambition and motivation and one by one he has dropped every hobby and sport he has been involved in. His life now revolves around weed (getting money/smoking/eat/sleep/repeat).

Later, I will get into all of the strategies we have tried to get him off this track to nowhere, but for now, my advice for parents of preteens/teens would be this: when you find that first evidence of drug use, take it seriously. Don't assume that all teen experimentation is just that. I think that some parents (including myself at one time) have this belief that these problems only happen to teens from certain types of families. They think if they do the types of things that we did, they will be immune to these problems. I wish it were true, but it is not. No family is safe. In the parent support group I attend, the other parents are a very diverse group from every occupation and every parenting style you could imagine. I now know that a two week grounding was not enough of a message to my son that drug use in our home will not be tolerated. I wish I had more answers, because I would not wish the hell we are going through on any other family. I will talk about more later about one other regret that we have, that is, being more of an influence on our son's peer group. You can not underestimate the power of peers during the early teen years. All of the values and morals you thought you had passed on to your child can easily be tossed aside with the influence of one friend. Until then, hold your children as close as you can for as long as possible. My son is still physically under our roof, but I miss him so much.

Another Night, Another Fight

It is immediately apparent when my son is stoned. He has walked in the door. Stoned again. Now I must choose. Do I confront him and begin another battle where there are never any winners, or do I go to bed and silently cry myself to sleep? I'm so tired of the fighting. So. Fucking. Tired. If this were your son, what would you do?

To Hell (not yet back)

Where to begin. I'm a wife and mother of two, a twelve year old daughter and a seventeen year old son. For the past four years, our son has taken our family on a dark journey to hell with his continuing addiction to weed. Anyone who says that weed is not addictive or harmful needs to spend some time with my son. I'm sure they will reconsider. Perhaps, to some, weed can be a harmless habit, but for others, it is not. I'm beginning this blog as a way to put my emotions down and as a place where hopefully others will visit and offer advice. I will chronicle our family's trials and hopefully, in the not so distant future, this will be a brighter spot to share our triumphs. I'm not sure where this journey will take me, but I lay awake each night staring at the starry sky wondering how it will all end. I'm going to end my first post with a poem I recently wrote about my son. I will never claim to be a good writer, but I like to write nonetheless. Writing has remained the one thing that has been calming and helpful to me during these tumultuous times and I have always admired poetry for its ability to say so much with so few words.

Little Prince

I ache for the simplicitiy of the past,
my charming prince, with trusting eyes, dimpled knuckles, an eager smile.
When a challenge was a scraped knee, or the dragon dream
you'd cry out for comfort,
and I, your adoring queen, would effortlessly oblige.

Too fleetingly, a morose replacement,
with an icy stare, bruised fists, and an eternal scowl.
Battles that break me.
No longer able to rescue, the queen turns to demon, unrecognizable.

In your room, on a quest for traces of innocence shattered.
Success? Not exactly.
Awaiting your return, knowing that words will fly like daggers,
grievously wounding those in their path.
Once thrown, impossible to sheath, the damage, irreparable, I fear.

Unforgivable rage turns to soundless tears, mourning all that we have lost.
Agonizing silence, again.
The drawbridge has been lifted, leaving insurmountable walls, defensive moats.
A peaceful kingdom no more.

Oh, to return to the days of glorious castles and beautiful queens, dragons so easily slayed.
This time, little prince, I would never let you go.